I Suffered Through The Swine Flu

And All I Got Was This Stupid Doctor’s Note…

Last Sunday I woke up with a sore throat, runny nose and too little energy to get out of bed to brush my teeth in the morning. I soon started coughing as though I was suffering from tuberculous and then I knew… I had the dreaded H1N1. Fortunately, I don’t live based on the information on Fox News, so I new that like all flus, the best thing to do was to stay home, drink lots of fluids, stay warm and relax while my body took care of the healing process.

Monday morning rolled around though and I had to call work. By this point, I hardly had any voice left after coughing non-stop for the last 24 hours, so I scratch out that I can’t come in because I believe I have the swine flu. The office manager (aka glorified receptionist) pauses for a second to collect her bitchiness, “you think you have the swine flu or you actually do?” “Well, I haven’t been to a doctor, but I have all the symptoms of the swine flu.” ::Pause, then a huff:: “Fine. I’ll tell Michael you’ll be out.”

Day two comes around and thanks to the miracle of Nyquill, my voice is slightly more audible, but still horrendously scratchy. I call my work again, because they won’t let you call in for more than one day at a time. This time no one answers the phone, so I leave a message saying I am still sick and, thus, will not be in. Fast forward two hours to when I actually wake up and check my voice message to find a lovely snarky message telling me that since this is my second day out of the office, I’ll need a doctor’s note if I hope to return. So even though I know I have the swine flu and I know the doctor cannot do anything for me, I need to spend money (which is in short supply since I’ll probably have to spend the whole week out of work due to sickness) to see the doctor to get a peice of paper saying, “this employee is not full of shit.”

The next day, I go to the doctor, she tells me I do have swine flu and that I can’t come back to work until Monday. I call my work and tell them this, but this still isn’t good enough. I have to fax or email it so they can have a copy immediately, never mind the fact that I’m so sick I had to have my senior citizen dad drive me to the doctor because I can’t drive since I get dizzy every time I stand up for more than two minutes at a time. No, I need to do more work to ensure they can be sure I’m not full of shit RIGHT NOW.

So I email them the note and return to work on Monday, only to discover they still hired another person in my position just in case. Of course, they hate him and now they intend to fire him shortly, but it doesn’t exactly make me brim over with love for the company.

The awkward sexual harassment I could handle. The cheapskate pizza shit was pathetic but harmless. This is too much though. God I need a new job.

Image via Ben Chau [Flickr]